A New and Better Way

Most of us have it - that one emotion we avoid at all costs. Or when we see it on display in another we squirm inside and want to run or look away. Perhaps it's fear, pain, shame or disappointment. Perhaps there is more than one feeling. It may even be that any form of emotional vulnerability is uncomfortable for us. Why is that I wonder? Somewhere, somehow some of us learned that certain emotions were unsafe or uncool. Maybe our anger, despair or excitement was overwhelming to us or too much for our caregiver. Perhaps because they themselves had baggage of their own around certain feelings (and with good reason) or maybe they were simply not in touch with their own emotions. Maybe there was no one to teach us about emotional regulation so we simply learned that feeling nothing was best. In the home I grew up in, anger was the forbidden feeling. I remember asking one of my parents who was clearly upset if they were angry. Their response, in an elevated voice was - "I'm...

  The urge to write has hit. It actually started last year with random phrases of spoken word poetry running through my mind pre-work out at the YMCA. I jotted some of the better ones down.  A few weeks later a friend told me they felt writing would be a part of 2018. Another friend said a similar thing a few months later. Two other friends have started writing their books now in 2019.  There are so many voices out there it's rather daunting to begin. The nudge was there again earlier this week so here I am...trying. Easing in and testing the waters. I'll start off with one of last year's offerings. Poem #1 profane the holy halls of comfort with sacred words that scorch souls and set them burning Transcendent One who tickles time and minds with mirth come breathe on us again the burning breath of love catch us up in your deep kindness and spit us back into the darkness burning embers of compassion aflame afire with...

I'm not going to lie, this past year was hard. My theme was - Anything can happen, and pretty much anything did. Dad got injured playing tennis, Mom got cancer, Taylor University shut down, Amy moved out and moved back. I moved out. Dad went back to pastoring. Lots and lots of change. Many opportunities for trust and growth. When I think about it I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life, career wise, relationally, spiritually or even academically. Most importantly whether I hear God and how I hear God came into question. Which meant essentially that I lost quite a bit of sleep and a lot of head space for awhile there. Now I wouldn't say I came out unscathed or that I have any answers but there is something glorious arising from this all. Its the faintest blush of deeper character formation. The beginnings of being more like my best friend. I think I'll call these saplings hope and trust. Somehow in the midst of and after the turbulence of 2009 I have com...

Well 25 is just around the corner and I'm noticing a few things. I wouldn't call it a quarter century crisis, just realizations. Noticed a quiet but significant satisfaction after making dinner for everyone on Monday. There is joy in knowing you have done a good job and are caring for people in such a tangible way. Plus I had a little extra time so I got a bit creative and enjoyed that. The other day I made lunch for a friend and helped them run an errand. It was a more behind the scenes kind of action for me and I got a deep sense of joy from that as well. There is a certain delight in doing the small and unnoticed things. Obviously service is not about getting a "feeling" or tangible result. I'm just pleasantly surprised at the responses I find it invoking in me. Am not about to enter the food service industry or go out of my way to find people to "mother," its just nice to notice growth. I hope it continues.

Tomorrow I fly home. Its hard to believe how fast it has gone. The official good-byes all happened today. Went out to lunch with friends, was prayed for at Morumbi´s two morning services and then the big farewell at Villa Andrade at the end of the evening service. Lots of tears, speeches and gifts. Not sure how everything will fit in my suitcase but somehow it will. There are so many stories to tell. My heart is full. I know the reality of leaving won´t really sink in until I´m on the plane. Thank-you for all your prayers. These last few days have not been easy but they have been good. So many God moments. He is so faithful.

Came in to work this morning and found out that someone broke in to the church kitchen and some other rooms that are behind the main building. Thankfully nothing was taken except some food items. This happened last night when no one was around so no one is hurt. Morumbi church was also robbed a few weeks back and they took off with quite a bit of money from that Sundays offering. They are tightening security up at Morumbi but there is not much we can do at the Vila I don't think. The upstairs where all the computers are already has alarms and video servalliance. This final week has been and is very bittersweet. Every once in awhile I realize that I am doing something for the last time. Palmyra and I went out for lunch together for the last time, Ana Clecia and I had our last piano lesson/discipleship time, this will be my last Sunday here etc. Part of me hates dragging out good-byes and wishes I could be on the plane home already. Another part of me is avoiding the whole aspect of ...

Yesterday I was responsible for staff devotional. I chose to have us reflect on what season of life we are in. We read Ecclesiastes three like we did at our last staff meeting and then I asked everyone to share what season they thought they were in and what they felt God was teaching them during this season. Then we broke in groups of two and three to pray. I wasn`t sure how it would go but everyone shared willingly and it was a great time of fellowship and team building. Answers included, `I am in a season of thankfulness` or `I am in a season of learning or restlessness.` I think we all learned a bit more about each other and knew better how to pray for one another as a result. As one of the counselors from Projeto Ciranda shared about her work with victims of sexual abuse and how this really made her question God and His will this thought kept running through my mind: Who is looking after these leaders? My heart breaks for the staff here. Often their jobs are very thankless and they...