The Forbidden Feeling - Part 2


Recently I've learned that I was using anger as a form of self-defence and even a way to get things done. I could tap into the energy that came from being angry and that would help me accomplish things. It wasn't always a conscious process but there is a certain energy that comes with anger or fear. Maybe it's just anger at myself for being lazy so I mentally beat myself up so that I finish what I was procrastinating on. Or I tell myself that there is some sort of terrible consequence that will happen if I don't finish the cleaning by a certain day or time. Not a very kind way to live. Clearly I have known how to motivate myself more from negative emotions and thoughts than from positive ones. I'm hoping this is changing.

A key revelation is the sufficiency of grace. There is enough grace available to me to do the unpleasant task, have the difficult conversation and accept my faults. I am loved and accepted as I am. Coming into this revelation is a process. It requires trusting myself and someone greater than myself - the source of all love and grace. It means not having a poverty or orphan mindset as we say in Christianese. It means that my view of God could use some expanding and growth. 

I'm so grateful for grace. I'm grateful that it's greater than my anger and unhealthy forms of self-motivation. I'm grateful that it never runs out and that it's available to me 24/7. I'm grateful that by the grace of God I will learn how to deal with all the movements of my heart - whether they dip into "forbidden feelings" or not. 

I'll end with a Brene Brown quote.

"Grace means that all your mistakes now serve a purpose instead of serving shame."




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