A New and Better Way

 So often that's how it felt. Imogen Heap's lyrics captured it so well - you don't care a bit. For much of my life it felt like I was just a speck of dust on a cosmic carpet about which God cared not at all. Of course I knew the truth and could parrot it back to any of my fellow Christians who asked - but that deep down know it in your bones kind of confidence was lacking. If I'm honest sometimes it still is. Maybe that's why faith and love are more of a journey, a progressive revelation I lean into with the coming of age and wisdom. When I look at all the awful things that happen in the world, all the hardship and suffering it can be easier to get lost in despair than hold on to hope. Is there really a supreme being out there that has a plan? A being so audacious that they gave their creation choice and let the consequences of that enormous gift play out? If I was a supreme being or creator that's certainly not how I would do things. Entrust choice, knowledge a

Recently I've learned that I was using anger as a form of self-defence and even a way to get things done. I could tap into the energy that came from being angry and that would help me accomplish things. It wasn't always a conscious process but there is a certain energy that comes with anger or fear. Maybe it's just anger at myself for being lazy so I mentally beat myself up so that I finish what I was procrastinating on. Or I tell myself that there is some sort of terrible consequence that will happen if I don't finish the cleaning by a certain day or time. Not a very kind way to live. Clearly I have known how to motivate myself more from negative emotions and thoughts than from positive ones. I'm hoping this is changing. A key revelation is the sufficiency of grace. There is enough grace available to me to do the unpleasant task, have the difficult conversation and accept my faults. I am loved and accepted as I am. Coming into this revelation is a process. It requi