The Forbidden Feeling - Part 1
Most of us have it - that one emotion we avoid at all costs. Or when we see it on display in another we squirm inside and want to run or look away. Perhaps it's fear, pain, shame or disappointment. Perhaps there is more than one feeling. It may even be that any form of emotional vulnerability is uncomfortable for us. Why is that I wonder?
Somewhere, somehow some of us learned that certain emotions were unsafe or uncool. Maybe our anger, despair or excitement was overwhelming to us or too much for our caregiver. Perhaps because they themselves had baggage of their own around certain feelings (and with good reason) or maybe they were simply not in touch with their own emotions. Maybe there was no one to teach us about emotional regulation so we simply learned that feeling nothing was best.
In the home I grew up in, anger was the forbidden feeling. I remember asking one of my parents who was clearly upset if they were angry. Their response, in an elevated voice was - "I'm not angry!" Lol. One of the few times I remember hearing one of my parents shout was at telemarketers on the phone. Another time my sister and I were having a grand old fight and one parent was so distressed by this they actually left the house. (My parents are people who I admire and respect but neither they or myself are perfect).
If we are not taught how to deal with/accept certain feeling in ourselves we cannot help or teach others how to do so. An added complication is the fact that my home was a Christian home. While no one came out and said it, I learned from my environment that anger was not a godly feeling. I internalized the unspoken message that anger was "wrong" or "bad" and proceeded to hide my own anger and thus a vital part of myself. I could not picture Jesus being angry but ironically had no problem seeing God as someone who was on the verge of unleashing wrath at any time. Mostly for humanity's lack of perfection. I had a complicated relationship with anger - one which I was mostly unaware of.
Somewhere, somehow some of us learned that certain emotions were unsafe or uncool. Maybe our anger, despair or excitement was overwhelming to us or too much for our caregiver. Perhaps because they themselves had baggage of their own around certain feelings (and with good reason) or maybe they were simply not in touch with their own emotions. Maybe there was no one to teach us about emotional regulation so we simply learned that feeling nothing was best.
In the home I grew up in, anger was the forbidden feeling. I remember asking one of my parents who was clearly upset if they were angry. Their response, in an elevated voice was - "I'm not angry!" Lol. One of the few times I remember hearing one of my parents shout was at telemarketers on the phone. Another time my sister and I were having a grand old fight and one parent was so distressed by this they actually left the house. (My parents are people who I admire and respect but neither they or myself are perfect).
If we are not taught how to deal with/accept certain feeling in ourselves we cannot help or teach others how to do so. An added complication is the fact that my home was a Christian home. While no one came out and said it, I learned from my environment that anger was not a godly feeling. I internalized the unspoken message that anger was "wrong" or "bad" and proceeded to hide my own anger and thus a vital part of myself. I could not picture Jesus being angry but ironically had no problem seeing God as someone who was on the verge of unleashing wrath at any time. Mostly for humanity's lack of perfection. I had a complicated relationship with anger - one which I was mostly unaware of.
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