A New and Better Way

 So often that's how it felt. Imogen Heap's lyrics captured it so well - you don't care a bit. For much of my life it felt like I was just a speck of dust on a cosmic carpet about which God cared not at all. Of course I knew the truth and could parrot it back to any of my fellow Christians who asked - but that deep down know it in your bones kind of confidence was lacking. If I'm honest sometimes it still is. Maybe that's why faith and love are more of a journey, a progressive revelation I lean into with the coming of age and wisdom. When I look at all the awful things that happen in the world, all the hardship and suffering it can be easier to get lost in despair than hold on to hope. Is there really a supreme being out there that has a plan? A being so audacious that they gave their creation choice and let the consequences of that enormous gift play out? If I was a supreme being or creator that's certainly not how I would do things. Entrust choice, knowledge a...

Recently I've learned that I was using anger as a form of self-defence and even a way to get things done. I could tap into the energy that came from being angry and that would help me accomplish things. It wasn't always a conscious process but there is a certain energy that comes with anger or fear. Maybe it's just anger at myself for being lazy so I mentally beat myself up so that I finish what I was procrastinating on. Or I tell myself that there is some sort of terrible consequence that will happen if I don't finish the cleaning by a certain day or time. Not a very kind way to live. Clearly I have known how to motivate myself more from negative emotions and thoughts than from positive ones. I'm hoping this is changing. A key revelation is the sufficiency of grace. There is enough grace available to me to do the unpleasant task, have the difficult conversation and accept my faults. I am loved and accepted as I am. Coming into this revelation is a process. It requi...

Most of us have it - that one emotion we avoid at all costs. Or when we see it on display in another we squirm inside and want to run or look away. Perhaps it's fear, pain, shame or disappointment. Perhaps there is more than one feeling. It may even be that any form of emotional vulnerability is uncomfortable for us. Why is that I wonder? Somewhere, somehow some of us learned that certain emotions were unsafe or uncool. Maybe our anger, despair or excitement was overwhelming to us or too much for our caregiver. Perhaps because they themselves had baggage of their own around certain feelings (and with good reason) or maybe they were simply not in touch with their own emotions. Maybe there was no one to teach us about emotional regulation so we simply learned that feeling nothing was best. In the home I grew up in, anger was the forbidden feeling. I remember asking one of my parents who was clearly upset if they were angry. Their response, in an elevated voice was - "I'm...

  The urge to write has hit. It actually started last year with random phrases of spoken word poetry running through my mind pre-work out at the YMCA. I jotted some of the better ones down.  A few weeks later a friend told me they felt writing would be a part of 2018. Another friend said a similar thing a few months later. Two other friends have started writing their books now in 2019.  There are so many voices out there it's rather daunting to begin. The nudge was there again earlier this week so here I am...trying. Easing in and testing the waters. I'll start off with one of last year's offerings. Poem #1 profane the holy halls of comfort with sacred words that scorch souls and set them burning Transcendent One who tickles time and minds with mirth come breathe on us again the burning breath of love catch us up in your deep kindness and spit us back into the darkness burning embers of compassion aflame afire with...

I'm not going to lie, this past year was hard. My theme was - Anything can happen, and pretty much anything did. Dad got injured playing tennis, Mom got cancer, Taylor University shut down, Amy moved out and moved back. I moved out. Dad went back to pastoring. Lots and lots of change. Many opportunities for trust and growth. When I think about it I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life, career wise, relationally, spiritually or even academically. Most importantly whether I hear God and how I hear God came into question. Which meant essentially that I lost quite a bit of sleep and a lot of head space for awhile there. Now I wouldn't say I came out unscathed or that I have any answers but there is something glorious arising from this all. Its the faintest blush of deeper character formation. The beginnings of being more like my best friend. I think I'll call these saplings hope and trust. Somehow in the midst of and after the turbulence of 2009 I have com...

Well 25 is just around the corner and I'm noticing a few things. I wouldn't call it a quarter century crisis, just realizations. Noticed a quiet but significant satisfaction after making dinner for everyone on Monday. There is joy in knowing you have done a good job and are caring for people in such a tangible way. Plus I had a little extra time so I got a bit creative and enjoyed that. The other day I made lunch for a friend and helped them run an errand. It was a more behind the scenes kind of action for me and I got a deep sense of joy from that as well. There is a certain delight in doing the small and unnoticed things. Obviously service is not about getting a "feeling" or tangible result. I'm just pleasantly surprised at the responses I find it invoking in me. Am not about to enter the food service industry or go out of my way to find people to "mother," its just nice to notice growth. I hope it continues.

Tomorrow I fly home. Its hard to believe how fast it has gone. The official good-byes all happened today. Went out to lunch with friends, was prayed for at Morumbi´s two morning services and then the big farewell at Villa Andrade at the end of the evening service. Lots of tears, speeches and gifts. Not sure how everything will fit in my suitcase but somehow it will. There are so many stories to tell. My heart is full. I know the reality of leaving won´t really sink in until I´m on the plane. Thank-you for all your prayers. These last few days have not been easy but they have been good. So many God moments. He is so faithful.

Came in to work this morning and found out that someone broke in to the church kitchen and some other rooms that are behind the main building. Thankfully nothing was taken except some food items. This happened last night when no one was around so no one is hurt. Morumbi church was also robbed a few weeks back and they took off with quite a bit of money from that Sundays offering. They are tightening security up at Morumbi but there is not much we can do at the Vila I don't think. The upstairs where all the computers are already has alarms and video servalliance. This final week has been and is very bittersweet. Every once in awhile I realize that I am doing something for the last time. Palmyra and I went out for lunch together for the last time, Ana Clecia and I had our last piano lesson/discipleship time, this will be my last Sunday here etc. Part of me hates dragging out good-byes and wishes I could be on the plane home already. Another part of me is avoiding the whole aspect of ...

Yesterday I was responsible for staff devotional. I chose to have us reflect on what season of life we are in. We read Ecclesiastes three like we did at our last staff meeting and then I asked everyone to share what season they thought they were in and what they felt God was teaching them during this season. Then we broke in groups of two and three to pray. I wasn`t sure how it would go but everyone shared willingly and it was a great time of fellowship and team building. Answers included, `I am in a season of thankfulness` or `I am in a season of learning or restlessness.` I think we all learned a bit more about each other and knew better how to pray for one another as a result. As one of the counselors from Projeto Ciranda shared about her work with victims of sexual abuse and how this really made her question God and His will this thought kept running through my mind: Who is looking after these leaders? My heart breaks for the staff here. Often their jobs are very thankless and they...

It has been a week of adventures yet again. This Tuesday another group of Americans came by the church and I filled in as a translator. They came to the small group I am a part of and shared their stories. It was a powerful time. As soon as they left a family crisis ensued in the home we were in and it left me pretty shaken up. Thankfully everything is fine now. Your continued prayers are appreciated. This past Saturday the VBS re-cap went really well. There were not many kids but it was a good time. Almost all my volunteers came and a basketball team from the States was passing through and they came and played with the kids. Three of the guys were actually Canadian and I knew one of them! Such a small world it is. Please pray for me this coming Saturday as I'll be sharing with the youth group of Morumbi church about my time at Vila Andrade (Morumbi is the mother church of Vila Andrade and we could really use some volunteers from there and just volunteers and helpers in general). P...

There is a little saying around here that says landing a job isn´t about your IQ but your QI (quem indicou) which translated means ´who you know.´ While who you know is also important in Canada Brasilians have networking down to an art form. They are definitely more relationally oriented than task orientated. Often they work very late hours because through out the work day it is common and accepted to chat with co-workers (which doesn´t make you all that productive). Often lunch hours extend from one hour to one and a half and no one says anything (now this could just be the context I´m in). The great thing though is that when you need a favour you have a whole bunch of people you can rely on because everyone is used to scratching each other´s back AND you have strong relationships from all the time spent together. This is true not just for jobs but for discounts at stores, restaurants, the mechanic etc. Here is an example that I overheard: `Just tell the guy that Paulo sent you and th...

Well, after a whole month with no rain (which is super rare in this climate during winter) it seems like we are now making up for lost time. The streets around the church flood easily as garbage blocks sewage drains and on Tuesday some of the homes flooded quite badly. I saw lots of people coming and going with wheelbarrows piled with dirt and rocks as they tried to clean up the mess. Getting home tonight will be intersting as I didn´t bring my raincoat like I did yesterday (but thankfully I do have an umbrella). While the rain does cause problems it is neat to see community members helping each other out so readily. I hope my neighbours back home would do the same and I´m sure some would but we don´t even all know each other unlike here where it seems like everyone knows everyone´s business. The mom of one of the kids in the project is spreading gossip and being very malicious because a boy in the project bothered her daughter (who is also in the Compassion project). The children´s t...

I feel like I should write someting super insightful but today is my day off so I'm afraid this will be rather basic. I even had a great idea for an intercultural journal entry (which is what this doubles as by the way) but it has totally disapeared into thin air so I will write on hospitality instead. One difference I have noticed between Brazilian and Canadian culture is how we entertain guests. Brazilians do a lot more entertaining in their homes and they feed you super well but they do not constantly entertain you. Life carries on in the home and you simply get to be a part of it. Yes, they may have cleaned and cooked for you but that is not the main point and it is much more acceptable to just drop by. It is normal to have the TV on during the visit and your hosts are perfectly content to leave you in one room while they go to the kitchen to continue cooking. You are welcome to join them in the kitchen or stay in the living room watchign TV, your choice. If you feel like goin...

Working hard catalouging books Beach bums in Santos

This morning at staff devotional I was left completely in the dark. The people at the far end of the table were saying I needed to visit this certain older lady who lives in quite the dump (for the cultural experience to quote them). Then they asked me if I had ever eaten shrimp. I said I certainly had and they all laughed. I have no idea how these two things are related. Clearly shrimp was a slang term for something else. Just because you speak a language does not mean that you can understand everything said to you or make yourself understood. This afternoon when I was trying to tell one of the kids that the computer mouse was ancient I said it was old and she did not get it. When my friend described the mouse as being ancient she got it. Then he said, 'It's because Julianna's Portuguese isn't very perfect that we can't understand her all the time.' He wasn't trying to be offensive and it is certainly true so I took it just fine. The reality of the situatio...

The weekend away was absolutely lovely. A total gift from God. The hide-a-bed left a lot to be desired but other then that it was great. I went with my friend Palmyra and everything we needed was in walking distance, so perfect. There were some lovely moments with Jesus and just being by the ocean was such a balm. I love His creation. The sad part was seeing how poorly we have treated his handiwork as there were several plastic bags floating in the water. The breeze, the palm trees, the sand all of it was such a boon though and I thank-you for your prayers for rest and refreshment. Both Palmyra and I were blessed by our time in Santos. I continue to wrestle with the thought of leaving and yet part of me can hardly wait to be home again. I have learned so many things about myself and have noticed a new confidence in my relationship with Pastor Marcelo. God is teaching me to live out of who I am and not out of who others hope and expect me to be. Of course this is a life long learning pr...

I come home in 30 days. I can feel myself mentally and emotionally disengaging at times. I want to guard my heart. Its already going to be so hard to leave. Please pray that I won't hold myself back just because of this. Speaking of guarding my heart....Yesterday I found out that one of the girls I am mentoring is pregnant. She turns 16 on Sunday. Now she will have to step down from her ministry position and may be forced to marry the baby's father which I believe will only lead to more problems. She is really hurting right now. And then this morning one of the preteens that always hangs around the church and follows me around was verbally and physically attacked by her mother. Her mom threw a large stick at her right in front of the church and called her all sorts of names. Thankfully she missed but it was a close call. Myself and another person witnessed the whole thing. I wish I could have intervened sooner. Afterwards I just held her as she cried. It certainly is a privileg...

In my moments of quiet time I am coming to several realizations. There is a driveness about me. A fear, if you will, that somehow there won´t be enough time or that time is something that I can bend to my will. I must be in control. When I walk into Vila Andrade I am sometimes able to catch a glimpse of how absurd this thinking is. At 10 a.m. I see children carrying brown bags full of bread to their homes for breakfast. At that point I have already been awake for several hours but here time does not matter as much. When I simply greet the children or people I recognize instead of stopping to talk with them, not taking the time to be with them because I am already almost late. It is like there is a rebuke in my spirit. What is the greater thing? These people or being on time? All my reflexes fight such thinking "what will my boss say if I am late.....but I am helping by working at the church" and the list goes on. Someone wise once said that hurry and busyness are the enemies ...

Tomorrow is the last day of VBS. Of course we had several adventures yet again. Today the lady who hands out the snack was sick so I had to find someone to fill in at the last minute. The person didn't have the keys to the kitchen where the snack was....And as per usual some volunteers came and others didn't but it all worked out again. There were also some instances when I would make a decision and then the pastor would change the plans. That was a bit frustrating. We replaced the worship leader with myself and Aline. The kids were fairly well behaved. Yesterday and today´s numbers were lower than Wednesday but that was a blessing since it made things more managable. Tomorrow is the big wrap up. We are doing a treasure hunt, giving out prizes and having an extended worship time. My friend Palmyra will be helping out and my roomate´s sister Monica will also be there. Monica has actually been helping all week by doing the sound. Here are some pics! Thank-you so much for all your...