Living in the Tension
The mom I ´counseled´ this morning has 4 children and only two have the same father. Currently she is unemployed and her last boss did not pay her what they had agreed on initially. Rita (not her actual name) has less than a grade 8 education and frequently asks God to end her misery. Her father is dying of cancer, her 9 year old son is always getting into trouble at school and 3 men have left her over the course of her life. She has every reason to lose hope. Please pray that she will find a job soon and that God would lift her out of her depression. Next session I will ask her if she has ever attempted to take her own life and will try and present the Gospel message to her.
Today I also had a good chat with Pastor Marcelo. We juggled around my work load so that I don´t feel as overwhelemed. However, I was supposed to be at the church tonight but did not manage to make it. I hope he isn´t too disapointed tomorrow. I have been having trouble falling asleep for the last couple of nights and right now I am struggling with a fever, a headache and a bit of a sore throat. When I see how hard people work here sometimes it is hard for me not to feel ashamed of my own limits. However, I am finding the work here very emotionally draining and that along with a lack of sleep leaves me feeling pretty exhausted. Prayers for good sleep and rest continue to be very important. When I feel this tired it is hard not to feel discouraged or like giving up.
Establishing boundaries, lowering my own expectations, allowing others to lower theirs and accepting this is all very challenging for me. I really hate disapointing people and I feel like I did that again today. Pastor Marcelo is taking all these changes and adjustments well. I am the one having the harder time admitting my own limitations. Stupid pride. I may also have created a bit of a situation for myself at the Compassion project. When I said I played piano people thought that meant I could just whip out all these songs and that is not the case and this is frustrating the director as well as myself. Their idea of what I can and cannot do also needs revision. Its like we try and place each other in boxes and they never quite fit. Instead of confronting my feelings over this I chose to avoid the matter and went ouf for lunch with a friend. I´m curious and a bit anxious to see what will happen tomorrow. I tried to find some sheet music today but did not have much luck.
Last night we had a going away party for Rahel at Karen´s place. The party did not even start until 10 p.m. since I had to go to small group. It ended up being a great time as I got to know Erika, Thiago and Andre better. We ate some good food, enjoyed Karen´s hospitality and prayed with Rahel. Since we were all so tired lots of laughing and silliness ensued. However, it was a very late night and I´m paying for it now. I had asked to skip small group to have the party earlier but Pastor Marcelo did not give me that option. Some things are non-negotiable. However, what he considers a priority and what I consider a priority often differ.
This afternoon was another prime example. During my discipleship with the teen girls he asked if I could unpack the library books that are still in boxes. In other words he wanted me to put the girls to work. While they were game I felt bad asking this of them since I thought they might think I was taking advantage of their availability and of our still budding relationship. In the end only two of them showed up and only one of them helped out. The one who arrived first needed to talk and we were able to have a good heart to heart before the other girl showed up and we went to work. If you remeber please keep Kelly in your prayers as well as things aren´t going too smoothly with the worship dance ministry and her family has quite a few struggles as well. She does not open up easily so I consider it a privilege that she has taken me into her confidence.
I think that´s it in a nutshell for now. There are so many needs here, so many prayer requests. I especially need wisdom to know how to care for these people without taking on their burdens in unhealthy ways. I want my heart to break for the things that break God´s heart but at at the same time I need to always be turning things over to him. I pray that Christ may be evident in my life as I continue to live in these tensions.
Today I also had a good chat with Pastor Marcelo. We juggled around my work load so that I don´t feel as overwhelemed. However, I was supposed to be at the church tonight but did not manage to make it. I hope he isn´t too disapointed tomorrow. I have been having trouble falling asleep for the last couple of nights and right now I am struggling with a fever, a headache and a bit of a sore throat. When I see how hard people work here sometimes it is hard for me not to feel ashamed of my own limits. However, I am finding the work here very emotionally draining and that along with a lack of sleep leaves me feeling pretty exhausted. Prayers for good sleep and rest continue to be very important. When I feel this tired it is hard not to feel discouraged or like giving up.
Establishing boundaries, lowering my own expectations, allowing others to lower theirs and accepting this is all very challenging for me. I really hate disapointing people and I feel like I did that again today. Pastor Marcelo is taking all these changes and adjustments well. I am the one having the harder time admitting my own limitations. Stupid pride. I may also have created a bit of a situation for myself at the Compassion project. When I said I played piano people thought that meant I could just whip out all these songs and that is not the case and this is frustrating the director as well as myself. Their idea of what I can and cannot do also needs revision. Its like we try and place each other in boxes and they never quite fit. Instead of confronting my feelings over this I chose to avoid the matter and went ouf for lunch with a friend. I´m curious and a bit anxious to see what will happen tomorrow. I tried to find some sheet music today but did not have much luck.
Last night we had a going away party for Rahel at Karen´s place. The party did not even start until 10 p.m. since I had to go to small group. It ended up being a great time as I got to know Erika, Thiago and Andre better. We ate some good food, enjoyed Karen´s hospitality and prayed with Rahel. Since we were all so tired lots of laughing and silliness ensued. However, it was a very late night and I´m paying for it now. I had asked to skip small group to have the party earlier but Pastor Marcelo did not give me that option. Some things are non-negotiable. However, what he considers a priority and what I consider a priority often differ.
This afternoon was another prime example. During my discipleship with the teen girls he asked if I could unpack the library books that are still in boxes. In other words he wanted me to put the girls to work. While they were game I felt bad asking this of them since I thought they might think I was taking advantage of their availability and of our still budding relationship. In the end only two of them showed up and only one of them helped out. The one who arrived first needed to talk and we were able to have a good heart to heart before the other girl showed up and we went to work. If you remeber please keep Kelly in your prayers as well as things aren´t going too smoothly with the worship dance ministry and her family has quite a few struggles as well. She does not open up easily so I consider it a privilege that she has taken me into her confidence.
I think that´s it in a nutshell for now. There are so many needs here, so many prayer requests. I especially need wisdom to know how to care for these people without taking on their burdens in unhealthy ways. I want my heart to break for the things that break God´s heart but at at the same time I need to always be turning things over to him. I pray that Christ may be evident in my life as I continue to live in these tensions.
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