A New and Better Way

Recently I've learned that I was using anger as a form of self-defence and even a way to get things done. I could tap into the energy that came from being angry and that would help me accomplish things. It wasn't always a conscious process but there is a certain energy that comes with anger or fear. Maybe it's just anger at myself for being lazy so I mentally beat myself up so that I finish what I was procrastinating on. Or I tell myself that there is some sort of terrible consequence that will happen if I don't finish the cleaning by a certain day or time. Not a very kind way to live. Clearly I have known how to motivate myself more from negative emotions and thoughts than from positive ones. I'm hoping this is changing. A key revelation is the sufficiency of grace. There is enough grace available to me to do the unpleasant task, have the difficult conversation and accept my faults. I am loved and accepted as I am. Coming into this revelation is a process. It requi

Most of us have it - that one emotion we avoid at all costs. Or when we see it on display in another we squirm inside and want to run or look away. Perhaps it's fear, pain, shame or disappointment. Perhaps there is more than one feeling. It may even be that any form of emotional vulnerability is uncomfortable for us. Why is that I wonder? Somewhere, somehow some of us learned that certain emotions were unsafe or uncool. Maybe our anger, despair or excitement was overwhelming to us or too much for our caregiver. Perhaps because they themselves had baggage of their own around certain feelings (and with good reason) or maybe they were simply not in touch with their own emotions. Maybe there was no one to teach us about emotional regulation so we simply learned that feeling nothing was best. In the home I grew up in, anger was the forbidden feeling. I remember asking one of my parents who was clearly upset if they were angry. Their response, in an elevated voice was - "I'm

  The urge to write has hit. It actually started last year with random phrases of spoken word poetry running through my mind pre-work out at the YMCA. I jotted some of the better ones down.  A few weeks later a friend told me they felt writing would be a part of 2018. Another friend said a similar thing a few months later. Two other friends have started writing their books now in 2019.  There are so many voices out there it's rather daunting to begin. The nudge was there again earlier this week so here I am...trying. Easing in and testing the waters. I'll start off with one of last year's offerings. Poem #1 profane the holy halls of comfort with sacred words that scorch souls and set them burning Transcendent One who tickles time and minds with mirth come breathe on us again the burning breath of love catch us up in your deep kindness and spit us back into the darkness burning embers of compassion aflame afire with y

I'm not going to lie, this past year was hard. My theme was - Anything can happen, and pretty much anything did. Dad got injured playing tennis, Mom got cancer, Taylor University shut down, Amy moved out and moved back. I moved out. Dad went back to pastoring. Lots and lots of change. Many opportunities for trust and growth. When I think about it I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life, career wise, relationally, spiritually or even academically. Most importantly whether I hear God and how I hear God came into question. Which meant essentially that I lost quite a bit of sleep and a lot of head space for awhile there. Now I wouldn't say I came out unscathed or that I have any answers but there is something glorious arising from this all. Its the faintest blush of deeper character formation. The beginnings of being more like my best friend. I think I'll call these saplings hope and trust. Somehow in the midst of and after the turbulence of 2009 I have com

Well 25 is just around the corner and I'm noticing a few things. I wouldn't call it a quarter century crisis, just realizations. Noticed a quiet but significant satisfaction after making dinner for everyone on Monday. There is joy in knowing you have done a good job and are caring for people in such a tangible way. Plus I had a little extra time so I got a bit creative and enjoyed that. The other day I made lunch for a friend and helped them run an errand. It was a more behind the scenes kind of action for me and I got a deep sense of joy from that as well. There is a certain delight in doing the small and unnoticed things. Obviously service is not about getting a "feeling" or tangible result. I'm just pleasantly surprised at the responses I find it invoking in me. Am not about to enter the food service industry or go out of my way to find people to "mother," its just nice to notice growth. I hope it continues.

Tomorrow I fly home. Its hard to believe how fast it has gone. The official good-byes all happened today. Went out to lunch with friends, was prayed for at Morumbi´s two morning services and then the big farewell at Villa Andrade at the end of the evening service. Lots of tears, speeches and gifts. Not sure how everything will fit in my suitcase but somehow it will. There are so many stories to tell. My heart is full. I know the reality of leaving won´t really sink in until I´m on the plane. Thank-you for all your prayers. These last few days have not been easy but they have been good. So many God moments. He is so faithful.